Advice from the wrong side of the tracks in the rose city, Portland Oregon.Come check me out at Last Thursdays during the warmer months. Usually at NE 17th & Alberta.
Anonymous asked: why haven't you given any bad advice lately?
contrary to what most people think, this isn’t that lucrative of a business. i don’t exactly get many returning customers.
“Pregnancy Denial.”
As requested by a friend.
Anonymous asked: i just saw portlandia and portland looks awesome. should i move there?
well, due to high unemployment rate and state-wide budget deficits, Portland City Council just passed a resolution that forces all new residents to be my personal assistant. so yes.
Fun Fact: nine out of ten raver kids can’t tell the difference between a tablet of Excedrin and a tablet of Ecstasy.
Move to Portland. Don’t get a job. Abuse easily accessible social services programs to collect food assistance and unemployment. Fill your time by smoking copious amounts of pot. And in your occasional spates of sobriety steal periodical vendors and dress them up with asbestos insulation, copper wiring you ripped from your basement, wind spinners, and spray paint until it looks like HR Giger and Tim Burton threw up everywhere. Then, lock it to a light post, call it street art, and go smoke another blunt. You’re doing great, kid.
from: kikidonahue:
Anonymous asked: My daughter wants to go to a Justin Bieber concert next month. How do I get out of it?
Sir, no body rocks like Bieber. You just need to catch the Bieber fever and pretend that you love Bieber, and your daughter will inevitably hate him.
Someone tagged the North-bound bike lane along North Williams St with mushrooms, stars, banana peels, and turtle shells so you can pretend to play Mario Kart while biking. Even better, take it up another knotch and actually throw turtles and banana peels at other cyclists. They’ll get the joke.
The “Made in Oregon” sign was recently changed to simply “Portland Oregon.” Not particularly original, and Mayor Sam Adams explicitly rejected my proposal to change it to “This Town Blows.”
Last Thursday: August 2010
The coolest part of the night was by far when Mayor Sam Adams approached me for some bad advice. Nice guy, even though he asked a pretty lame question. See below…
Should I dye my hair bright red? (from Mayor Sam Adams)
No. Neon pink with green stripes and blue polk-a-dots. (then when he was turned away I told his aides to shave a stripe down his head)
My boyfriend got me really drunk the other night. It pissed me off. What can he do to make it up to me?
The Mayor was just here. I want you to give him a Smirnoff Ice and tell him to take a knee and chug. And if he doesn’t do it call him a wuss.
How can I date a nice straight man in Portland?
Club ‘em over the head and drag ‘em back to your place.
I just had a foursome with my husband and two others, and now I don’t know how to keep our sex life interesting.
Keep having foursomes. Or try fivesomes. And use lots of strap-ons. And video-tape the entire thing and make millions online.
I work as a high school guidance counselor and have to go back to school next week. How can I get out of it?
Pretend to injure yourself on the job and get worker’s comp. You can even ask a friend to lend you a fake x-ray of someone else’s broken bones.
I’m moving to New York next week. How can I find a place to stay?
Find someone who’s on vacation and squat in their place.
How can I make my husband love me?
Steal money from other people and buy things for him.
My wife and I are trying to have a baby, but it’s been very tumultuous and we aren’t really speaking to one another. What do you think we should do?
To hell with babies. All they do is poop and cry. Just adopt an inbred cat. Those things are just as dumb as babies, but they can miraculously clean up their own poop and only cry when they get trapped between the couch and the wall.
My ex-boyfriend wants to get back together with me but I don’t. How can I get him off my back?
Sleep with his best friend, duh.
I have two friends who like each other but are both too shy to make a move.
Get them both drunk and throw ‘em naked into a closet together. They’ll either be horrified by the circumstances when they awake, and never talk to each other again, or they’ll make it like bunnies.
My wife and I aren’t spending enough time together because we’re always so busy taking care of our kids. What can we do?
Ditch the kids with an alcoholic relative. They’ll be fine.
My friend is currently seeing four women at the same time. How can I convince him to settle down with just one of them?
That’s the stupidest question ever, in the history of ever. Tell him to stay the course.
I start graduate school next week. How can I get good grades without really trying?
Keep your professors drunk.
What’s a good way to make money really quick?
Open a Hawaiian food cart. It’s easy as hell because no one really knows what Hawaiian food is supposed to be. Just serve Chef Boyardee and add pineapple.
Neither me or my husband are employed, but we want to have another child. What do you think we should do?
Have the kid. It’ll be a tax deduction, and then you can apply for unemployment benefits and fool the state by pretending to look for work. Not like there’s a budget crisis or anything…
Anonymous asked: every boy i date turns out to be a total douche. where can i find a nice guy?????
Odds are there are tons of “nice” guys that hover around you on a day-to-day basis, pining over the scent of your shampoo, overwhelmed when you briefly glance them in the eye or accidentally brush their arm when walking past them. You should turn your attention to these guys, the ones that have for so long been perfectly invisible to you. These guys are the ones to keep, because you can walk all over them. Really. They will do anything for you. ANY. THING. And while you might roll your eyes and say you only think of these guys as friends and you’re not attracted to them, who cares about that? Love is nothing but a competition for complete control over another person who is too dumb to realize they’re being suckered.
